I spend a fair number of minutes during playgroups, classes and kid activities trying to teach my son to share. I don’t know how much of the concept he really grasps, but he has heard the word enough at this point to know that I am directing him to give up a toy when I say “please share.” One of his friends (just a touch older, at 21 mos) says the word quite well herself, and equates it to, “May I please have a turn?” She runs around playdates pointing at things she wants (in other little people’s hands) and yelling “SHARE!” It’s obnoxious, but oh-so-cute.
Fortunately we have good days (like today) when Z hears me, understands, and graciously offers the toy in question to its other suitor. In fact, he had one moment this morning when he went above and beyond. After I requested that he share one of his trucks with another boy, Z kindly offered it up. But the other boy just looked at it and decided he’d rather pick his nose. I told Z, “Ok, thank you for sharing. But if he doesn’t want it, that’s fine.” Not to be refused, though, Z kept inching closer and closer to The Picker, shoving the truck towards him, suppliant. WHY WON’T YOU TAKE THE TOY, his upturned hand demanded. Eventually we had to compromise and Z agreed to share the truck with the ground.
In this same sharing spirit, I have been open and forthcoming to other mommies in my community when they have sought referrals for doctors, babysitters, house cleaners, contractors, and the like. I really appreciated that type of information when I first got here (from the rare few who offered it up), so have felt the need to pass it forward even when other friends have warned me against it. For a while, I could not understand why they would not share the names of the people they employ. After all, wouldn’t loyalty demand that they want to give these people more work? And wouldn’t friendship demand that they want to help others?
Now, I understand. People do not share because it sucks. You give something away and receive nothing in return. Except hassle. And extra work on your plate (often to find new referrals!) Case in point:
A recent transplant to the neighborhood was picking my brain about everything baby- and home-related she could think of. Feeling magnanimous, I shared the name of my hairdresser, my favorite class teacher, my house cleaner and <gasp> my babysitter. My thank you? Now I have to wait longer to get a haircut appointment; I missed getting into my favorite class at registration time because the slots had already filled up; my house cleaner no longer arrives on time and can no longer fit me in on her free mornings because there are no more free mornings; and my child care needs? OH. Nothing is harder than finding a good sitter, except finding one with a flexible schedule. I HAD it, and I squandered it away. This time when my son’s class schedule switched around and I needed to swap one morning for another (which I had always done seasonally and NEVER had a problem doing)? Already booked. Yeah, with you-know-who.
So this is why people don’t share. It’s not because they didn’t learn the lesson at age one, over a battle of trucks. It’s because they learned the (opposite) lesson at age thwinty, over the battle of the burbs. I wonder if I will be able to share again when the next wide-eyed mom clings to my smile in tumbling class. I guess it all depends on whether or not I can even find someone(s) new. Time to reach out to my mommy group and see if anyone will share with me.
If I ever have a true babysitting emergency, I put in writing to my friends “I promise never to use this sitter again under anything but the most dire of circumstances and only then with your blessing first”. There’s sharing, then there’s giving up your freedom. Use caution, my friend.