The Harshest

I’m having a love-hate relationship with my son right now.  I can’t believe I’m typing that, it sounds so harsh and mean.  But it is true.  I love that kid so much, it’s beyond anything I could have possibly imagined.  I have nothing but the biggest smiles for him every morning (which is saying a lot since he is an EARLY riser!), hugs & kisses galore, and love exploring the world with him, seeing things through his eyes, watching him grow and learn.  He is fabulous.  Exceptional.  Wonderous.  And incredibly annoying.  Yeah, I said it.

This week he has been *really* annoying and I found myself struggling more with my patience, stamina and understanding than every before.  I need to reharness my zen or something.  He has just been whining and crying and yelling for me and needingneedingneedingnonstop.  Even when he is with me, it’s like somehow it’s not enough.  MAMAMAMAMAMMA!  Whine, whine, whine.  MAMAAAAAAAAA.  Cry.  Uhuhuhuhuh (this is the I NEED MORE sound).  UP UP UP (this is the constant HOLD ME sound.)  It’s so unbelievably grating, he is the only person in the universe that could annoy me in this way, in the pit of my body.  Every single cry, whine & whimper pangs my insides, like he was made biologically to push my inside-buttons.  I’m not saying I love the sound of a crying baby, but no other kids’ crying even phases me.  Wail away, little one.  It may hurt my eardrum, but it doesn’t pierce my soul.  But my son…..oh, it pierces.  It sends my adrenaline coursing, my blood pressure soaring and my patience evaporating.  It’s enough already!  Shut up!

Of course, I don’t say SHUT UP (ok, almost never) because he doesn’t get it.  He is still too young to even understand that the sounds he is making are annoying.  He needs something (moi) and wants something (that moi is needed to provide) and willnotdowithoutitMAMAMAMMAMAMAMA!  And I know in my heart to treasure even these annoyances, because his love for me is so complete and so unconditional and so precious.  He is sweet and cuddly and loving, and his affections….I have no words to describe what they do to me.  They make my heart burst with happiness and contentment.  So I take every moment in and treasure it, enjoy every clingy hung and, yes, even every desperate attempt to grab me and my attention and never let go.  But it is hard.  Hard to experience such extremes every minute of every day of every week of every month.  Hard to live that reality.  It makes me feel almost like a manic-depressive, with his cries sinking me lower and stressing me more than I ever could have imagined….and his kisses elating me beyond the clouds and filling me with more joy than ever seemed possible.

I guess when I stop to think about it, he doesn’t really annoy me.  He can’t annoy me.  But that sound, that grating, neverending sound – it annoys me.  I need to find the OFF button, or at least the OFF button inside.  To find a way to let it roll off a little more, find a way to make it cut me a little less deep.  What do other moms do to build up their patience reserves?  Am I alone in this reality of extremes?

Advertisement